I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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