I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
