I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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