Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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