He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
