Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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