im six kinds of drunk right now
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
