If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize