Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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