What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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