I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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