It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
