I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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