I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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