She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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