Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize