Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
