Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
