I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
