Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my shit smells like andre
He passed out mid-signature
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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