Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
