Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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