the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
