Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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