Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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