Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
FUCK WHALES
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
