and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
