I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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