...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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