i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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