just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
