Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
