fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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