My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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