Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All I want is dick and wine.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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