I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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