My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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