took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
