Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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