I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize