Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
