I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
