bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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