Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
you are never too drunk for berry picking
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
