I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My life is pants optional.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
