I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
