Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
