Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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