You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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