Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
