I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
