I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
