Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
