When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize