yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
