I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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