We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
