Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
